Paulina är i grunden utbildad barnskötare som sedan gick vidare och utbildade sig på masterprogrammet i psykologi, inriktat på anknytning och barn med anknytningstrauman. Hon har erfarenhet från att ha arbetat med flera barnrättsorganisationer, i forskningsprojekt och idag arbetar hon fulltid som frilansare – håller föreläsningar om bland annat barnkonventionen, barn som far illa, barns utveckling och anknytning, och gör projekt inom barns rättigheter. Hon bloggar också flitigt på Aller Medias sajt Motherhood. Vidare är Paulina en av arrangörerna till Birth Inspiration Day, ett event för gravida som stärker kvinnor för graviditeten, födande och första tiden med bebis.
Vi träffar Paulina på Pom & Flora på Rörstrandsgatan. Klockan är halv elva och vi alla beställer en andra frukost. Innan mötet har vi briefat Paulina om vårt koncept; att vi vill prata öppet om tiden som nybliven mamma och de utmaningar hon stötte på. Vi vill såklart zooma in en aning på just matning, vilket ju tar upp mycket av första tiden. Just det här nappade Paulina på och vill gärna, som hon uttrycker det: ”genom att dela min resa och mina val, kanske kunna stärka eller hjälpa andra som just nu befinner sig i liknande situation”.
Det är vi på Unna glada för!
Första (första) tiden
Paulina fick sitt första barn 2014, och förklarar att hon ju vid det här laget har bearbetat mycket av första tiden och nu med distans kan se på tiden ur ett annat perspektiv. Men egentligen, berättar hon, var första tiden rätt tuff och att hon fortfarande så väl minns hur vissa stunder kändes.
”Man har ju en helt annan distans till saker och ting bara efter ett par år, men där och då är det jättesvårt att ha distans. Bebisens behov och ens egna behov är ju nu. Matningen, sömnen, ens bebis mående blir hela ens värld.”, säger hon.
–Vad var din största utmaning första tiden?
-Tröttheten. Helt klart. Som såklart byggdes upp av att amningen strulade så. Det började egentligen redan på BB. Varje ny personal som kom in gav nya råd om grepp och positioner och hur vi skulle göra. Jag blev mer och mer förvirrad. Min flicka var trött och medtagen och vid flera tillfällen baddade en barnmorska min bebis med en handduk med kallt vatten för att väcka henne så att hon skulle kunna amma. För mig som nybliven mamma kändes det fruktansvärt! Hon sov oroligt och gnydde i sömnen.
–Hur blev det sedan då, när ni kom hem från BB?
-Hemma fortsatte vi med amningen och jag gjorde allt jag kunde för att vi skulle få en bra start och att amningen skulle funka. Men hon sov oroligt och i efterhand förstår jag att hon måste ha varit hungrig. Vid ett av de första BVC-kontrollerna visade det sig att hon hade tappat för mycket i vikt, mer än vad spädbarn förväntas göra första tiden. Efter en tid fick vi äntligen kontakt med en amningsspecialist på Karolinska sjukhuset i Stockholm.
–Hur var det?
-Fantastiskt bra. Barnmorskan vi träffade såg direkt vad det var som var fel – min dotter kunde inte ta vakuumgreppet som behövs för att få ut mjölken. Jag blev så väl bemött och kände verkligen förtroende för kvinnan jag fick träffa. Hon var äldre och erfaren och trygg i vad vi kunde göra. Det var så skönt att få ett svar på vad vi upplevt.
–Vad fint att få en förklaring och den bekräftelsen. Vad blev hennes rekommendation?
-Det första hon gjorde var att hämta mjölkersättning som hon gav mig för att mata min flicka med. Det var en sådan lättnad bara det – att hon fick bli mätt. Jag minns att hon somnade gott sen. Sedan la vi upp en plan framåt för hur vi skulle fortsätta amningsträna – för jag ville ju amma – och tillmata med ersättning parallellt.
–Hur såg schemat ut?
-Jag kommer ihåg att jag vid varje matningstillfälle skulle amma 10-15 minuter på varje bröst, därefter ge flaska och därefter pumpa. Det var rätt utmattande. Det kändes som att jag ammade, matade, vyssjade och pumpade jämt. Trots det sinade mjölken allt mer. Jag försökte ju göra det jag kunde för att amningen skulle funka och hålla igång produktionen. Samtidigt var jag så trött. Ah, jag minns verkligen hur ångestladdat det var.
–Vad var det som gjorde att du fortsatte kämpa så?
-Jag hade ju läst om att bröstmjölk är det bästa, och jag ville ju såklart ge mitt barn det bästa. Så jag försökte hålla ut och följa planen. Men efter ett par månader höll jag på riktigt på att bryta ihop. Jag fick knappt någon återhämtning, för trots att min dotter nu blev mätt tack vare tillmatningen så fortsatte hon sova oerhört oroligt och vakna ofta. Sömnen blev så oerhört upphackad. Och när hon väl sov så hade jag svårt att sova. Jag minns att jag vaknade ofta för att se att hon andades och att jag själv vaknade av om hon gnydde. Det var så tärande både fysiskt och psykiskt. Fysiskt på grund av sömnbristen. Jag minns ett tillfälle då jag på riktigt undrade hur många timmars sömnbrist jag var från att dö. Psykiskt var jag nedbruten av känslan av att amningen och sömnen inte funkade – och det fysiska och psykiska hänger förstås ihop – och så all osäkerhet och sorg över att kanske behöva ge upp det bästa för mitt barn. Jag var helt urpumpad. Bokstavligen och bildligt.
–Kom du till någon vändpunkt?
-Ja jag minns det så tydligt hur jag satt i sängen en natt och grät med den där pumpen. Trots att jag pumpade och pumpade kom det till slut bara några droppar mjölk. Jag var så ledsen och uppgiven och trött för det kändes som att det var kört.
–Amningen alltså?
-Precis. Men då, när jag satt där, så tog jag mig samman och beslöt mig för att nu lägger jag bort den här pumpen. Att all kamp för att amma var över. Det var med en känsla av sorg men framför allt lättnad.
”Jag var helt utpumpad.
Bokstavligen och bildligt.”
–Fick du stöd i ditt beslut?
-Ja, alltså min man stöttade mig till 100%. Han hade ju också sett hur det inte funkade och hur jag mådde och hade försökt stötta upp mig. Även min BVC-sköterska gav så fint stöd och så fin förståelse. Hon stöttade verkligen mig och oss i det beslutet. Det, och såklart tiden, gjorde mig tryggare i mitt beslut.
Om förväntningar
Paulina reflekterar över att hon, när hon väntade barn, aldrig tänkt att det skulle kunna bli ett problem eller vara svårt att amma. Hon medger att hon nog inte hade så tydliga förväntningar på första tiden, men att det skulle innebära amning och barnvagnspromenader och bli väckt på nätterna. ”Mitt fokus under graviditeten handlade om att föda, vilket jag ursprungligen kände oro inför”, säger hon.
Vi pratar en stund om just det, att gravida med första barnet nog generellt har svårt att tänka längre än att föda. Det är kanske svårt att vara mottaglig för de bitar och potentiella utmaningar som kan komma efter barnet är fött. Förståeligt ju. Och rimligt att fokusera på en sak i taget. Men det gör också att det kan komma som sådana överraskningar när något inte stämmer överens med bilden man sett framför sig. Eller när det visar sig att just första tiden kan vara en ännu större utmaning än själva förlossningen, som man trott var eldprovet. Så vissa förväntningar har man ju..
–Fanns något som gick lättare än vad du tänkt dig?
-Det skulle nog vara att föda faktiskt. Och återhämtningen från det. Jag var ju så orolig för det innan, men det gick bra och jag fick ett fantastiskt stöd av min man och av personalen.
Paulina berättar också att hon så här i efterhand kan känna sig lättad och tacksam över att kärleken till barnet kom så omedelbart, något hon vet inte är en självklarhet alla gånger. Just den biten, att bli mamma till mitt barn kändes naturligt från start.
–Vilket råd skulle du vilja ge dig själv som nybliven mamma?
-Ge dig själv tid att landa i det nya – du kommer behöva tid att navigera. Försök vara okej med osäkerheten. Och: det finns stöd och hjälp att få.
–Och förutom de råden, vad tror du att du hade behövt under första tiden för att göra den tiden bättre?
-Om tröskeln hade varit lägre för att ta hjälp – och att erkänna för sig själv att man kan behöva stöd – typ som nu med de vårdappar som finns, hade jag nog tagit hjälp. Framför allt kommit på att jag behövde stöd och hjälp.
Idag, menar Paulina, att hon tycker sig nås av så mycket bra och inkluderande information om det stöd man kan få som nybliven mamma. De sammanhang hon rör sig i kanske också bidrar till att hon exponeras för och kommer i kontakt med olika öden, lösningar och stöd. Men problemet är ju som alltid, säger hon, att det utifrån är lätt att vara klarsynt och se när någon behöver extra stöd. När det gäller en själv är det svårare. Hon berättar: ”Jag studerade ju på masterprogrammet i psykologi under den tiden, men att själv söka stöd var svårt. Förutom professionell hjälp hade jag nog också behövt mer av en by av människor, som på ett självklart sätt kan stötta upp även i praktiska saker i vardagen och som man också vågar ta hjälp av. Det har vi alldeles för lite av i vår kultur idag, både att finnas där och att våga be om hjälp.”
–Var det något, så här i efterhand, som du inser att du inte hade behövt första tiden?
-Jag hade ju inte behövt köpa så många amningssaker, haha!
Andra barnet
Paulina födde sitt andra barn, också en flicka, 2018. Hon berättar att graviditeten var en mycket turbulent och också sorgfylld tid eftersom hennes mamma var svårt sjuk i cancer och att både mamman och även hennes svärfar gick bort när hon var gravid. ”Jag hade egentligen alldeles för mycket att stå i och orka med den tiden – sjukdom, begravningar, allt som händer när en människa är påväg att gå bort och har gått bort – i en tid då jag skulle behövt ta det lugnt. Det fanns inte rum för det då” säger hon. Trots de förutsättningarna menar Paulina att hon förberedde sig mer inför andra barnet. ”Jag både boade mer och förberedde mig på första tiden efter förlossning.”
”Andra gången var jag medveten och beredd på att amningen kan komma att strula igen. Jag kände också mig själv bättre och visste till exempel hur jag kan reagera och må av sömnbrist.”
–Gjorde du eller hanterade du saker annorlunda när du blev mamma för andra gången?
-Ja, jag tycker över lag att jag var mer tillåtande mot mig själv och gav mig själv tid att landa i allt det nya. Den här gången kom dottern med akut kejsarsnitt och jag hade en kämpigare återhämtning rent fysiskt efteråt än med första barnet, men jag var mer trygg som förälder.
–Hur ville du göra med matningen?
-Jag ville amma den här gången också, men jag var ju i allra högsta grad medveten om att det inte är självklart att det funkar. Men jag upplevde att just det började bra. Hon fick grepp och jag fick i gång mjölkproduktionen. Med sedan, vid någon av de tidiga BVC-kontrollerna fick jag veta att hon inte gick upp tillräckligt i vikt och att även längden var påverkad. Det beskedet triggade i gång allt från min förra erfarenhet och jag tänkte direkt: Inte igen! Inte en gång till! Det väckte mycket starka känslor i mig och jag började tillmata med lite ersättning jämte amningen, för att försäkra mig om att hon gick upp i vikt. Det griper tag i en så starkt om ens barn verkar vara hungrig och amningen som ska ge barnet mat, inte funkar. Så höll vi på ett tag, men när det inte funkade gick jag över helt till flaska och ersättning även med henne.
–Hur kändes det?
-Jag kände mig mycket mer trygg i mitt beslut än första gången. Dessutom hade jag massa andra saker att hantera samtidigt, som gjorde att jag blev mer krass. Dels hade jag ju en fyraåring också att ta hand om, dels hade min mamma, som jag stod så nära, precis gått bort. Och så allt det praktiska och känslomässiga som blir när en förälder gått bort. Min pappa dog när jag var 17 så jag och mina syskon hade ett helt föräldrahem, med allt vad det innebär, att ta hand om. Jag var, parallellt med den enorma lyckan av barnen, också trött och ledsen den här tiden. Det var många starka känslor samtidigt. Men i rollen som mamma och i mina val kände jag mig så mycket tryggare med andra barnet.
Jämförelsefällan
Med en person som Paulina, som dels varit mamma ett bra tag och dels till yrket möter och samtalar i föräldrasammanhang, är vi nyfikna på att höra om hon tycker det finns något särskilt ämne i sammanhanget som det pratas för mycket om. Om det finns något som känns uttjatat, irrelevant eller till och med störande. Hon svarar att ”Ja, generellt tycker jag att man jämför sig för mycket. För mycket blir helt enkelt rena jämförelser som ofta får någon att känna sig illa till mods eller till och med sämre och otillräcklig. Det kan ta bort en vänligt inställd nyfikenhet och ofta viljan att ärligt dela med sig”.
”Jag har själv känt att jag hamnat i jämförelsefällan så många gånger att jag till slut tappat lusten att ventilera vissa saker med andra. Ofta har det då varit kommentarer där jag märkt att förståelse för situationen inte finns. Allt möjligt inom föräldraskap kan ju jämföras under åren med barn, men frågan om matning av spädbarn kan vara en av de där första man möter, eftersom det är det man ägnar sig åt första tiden”.
Mammalivets highs & lows
–Vad är roligast med att vara mamma?
-Jag vill svara: Att älska sina barn så som man gör, men det är kanske mer det mäktigaste. Roligast? Det måste vara att upptäcka världen med mina barn. Allt från att gå till biblioteket, vara i skogen tillsammans, till att resa till nya platser. Det är det roligaste.
–Vad är tråkigast med att vara mamma?
-Att bli trött.
–Skulle du vilja ha fler barn?
-Nej. Vi är tacksamma för våra två barn. Under den första tiden, som ju var tuff, funderade vi faktiskt på att inte försöka få fler. Nu blev det ju en tvåa och det är jag så obeskrivligt tacksam och glad för! Vi har känt att det kan finnas plats för ett tredje barn, men det måste inte vara ett barn man burit och fött själv. Vi har tankar på att öppna upp för ett tredje barn som familjehem eller att finnas som extra stöd för någon i framtiden istället. För det finns det plats i hjärtat.
Tack Paulina för en öppen, ärlig och varm pratstund! Paulinas blogg hittar man här och vill man läsa ett inlägg hon skrev kring just ämnet amning och flaskmatning så finns det här. Hon finns och är aktiv på Instagram som @paulina_gunnardo.
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